Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
