if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I wear drunk well.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
