I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
