Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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