Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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