I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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