when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
