i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
