he wants to bone in the snuggie
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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