I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
