Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
