My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
