I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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