Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
