Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
