nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
