why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
