it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
