this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The best revenge is premature balding
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
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A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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