You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
