I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
