Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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