I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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