How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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