PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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