but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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