The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have already put on my inside pants.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
