OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
