these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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