I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The air taste purple.
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