You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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