Can i not drive my cunt home
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
