Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
