i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
