I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
