I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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