im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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