Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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