Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
