Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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