so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
