Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
