Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
