College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
