I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
