alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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