Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
