last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
