Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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