Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
