I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
