I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im six kinds of drunk right now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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