I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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