In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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