I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
