i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They have beer where we have blood.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
