I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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